The Complications of Communication
By Kathryn Taylor
Communication.......... I never thought it could be so incredibly complicated. I have tried every imaginable possibility to have a relationship with some family members while missing one thing…. effective communication. With that, I have failed miserably. In fact, I think it is impossible to have. What really stinks is that my adversaries are mere children!
I have teenage twins with Reactive Attachment Disorder. We
adopted them seven years ago. Every year has grown progressively worse, and it has become an obsession of mine to come to some level of acceptance with our cohabitation. I am here to tell you, shamefully, that I am no closer today than I was three years ago. In fact, I believe that it is much worse.
The twins have managed to make themselves my constant companions due to their behavior. At the very same time, they've managed to shut down every avenue of relationship with me. When they are out of their bedrooms, they follow me through the house, or they do their schoolwork and they watch my every move. When I go outside, they go outside. When I go to the bathroom, they run into their bedrooms. Ding, Dong! Ding, Dong! When I come out, they come out, ringing those irritating, incessant Radio Shack alarms that have to be mounted on their doors for safety. I tell myself over and over again, "It's all right." It should not bother me. So what, if they are always right there." The part that really drives me crazy is that they refuse to interact on any level with anyone in the family, especially me. They will only talk to each other. Not one rule, consequence, reward, or encouragement out of the hundreds I have tried, has brought any level of relief. So, I live my life with this obnoxious silent tail. Trying to cope, I imagine that I'm a dog, a Sheepdog, a Bulldog, a Corgi, any kind of a dog, as long as it has no tail!! Or I pretend that I am a beautiful ancient building made of marble and they are the stone gargoyles guarding my fortress of treasures. Other days, I pretend that I'm the First Lady and the twins are my Secret Service, always there…..ignoring me while never taking their eyes off of me…….whispering into their little two-way radio headsets. Or I pretend that I'm a movie star and they are reporters trying to get a scoop; but that fantasy makes me want to throw something at them and yell, "Go away!!! Leave me alone!!" Once in a while, I do yell that at them and feel ashamed because I'm just a mom and not really someone famous.
I cannot even begin to tell you all the things we have tried, with and without therapists. At times, we have made it a rule that they cannot be out of their rooms unless they are doing something, anything, besides staring at us as if we were the latest sitcom family on television. I have been known to burst out in song, "And after these messages…….we'll be right back.", then I begin reciting the most recent Mt. Dew, tampon, or Prylosec commercial. Hey, maybe we could be famous! We could be one of those weird reality shows, like The Simple Life. Our lives do resemble that show, apart from the scantily dressed blonde beauties. Do you think the show would be as popular if they were just little, dirty, unkempt children who did not comb their hair or brush their teeth?
This last year, the twins have been refining their most recent, sanity snatching compliance to their rules for interacting. This compliance, of course, is only for the benefit for our immediate family. They say the most infantile, simple things! Things like, "I bet it's wet outside, now that it's raining."……Or "Now that the sun is up, it is bright outside." ……. Or "I bet that hurt," when I fell and broke my ankle last week. Why, just this morning, my fifteen-year-old son sat down to eat his breakfast. After a minute, he says, "Well, I didn't spill my milk, pouring it into my cereal this morning, Mom."
I replied with my most compassionate voice, "Wow, son! That's great. I'm proud of you."
He rolls his eyes, gets this pouty look on his face, and hangs his normally hanging, "I-hate-myself" head, a little lower.
"What?!", I ask. "What did I say wrong?"
"You didn't say anything wrong," he replied.
"Then why did you just react the way you did?" I ask, describing his body language.
"What I said was stupid," he explained.
"So, I said nothing about that. I just responded to what you said appropriately," I replied, "Why didn't you respond appropriately to my complimenting you? If Mikey (our 3 year old nephew) had said that to me and I responded, in kind, he would have smiled and been proud of himself and happy that I was proud of him too."
"Well, as old as I am, it was stupid to say," he countered.
"That may be, but you said it, and I ignored that fact, so why did
you get upset? What could I have said that would have pleased you?", I inquired.
"I don't know. Nothing," he says.
"When I ignore you, you get upset, thinking here you are trying to interact and I’m just ignoring you, right?" I say.
"yes."
"And if I say, 'That is childish or stupid.', you get mad, right?"
"Yes."
"Then, if I want to respond to you in a way that makes you happy, that will cause bonding and relationship between us, what could I have said to you to accomplish that?", I ask, with my own mind now spinning in thought.
"Nothing, then!", he declares, getting angry.
"Could it be that you are not really stupid, and your goal is not to get me mad, but your goal is to keep any kind of positive communication from happening…………………. because if we have that, we begin to have relationship? You have found a way to put me in a "no-win" situation. It you say all these stupid things, there is no way for me to be able to interact with you on any level that won't make you mad. Then, you can convince yourself that you are the one who's trying, and not me," I told him.
"I don't know," he says with the conviction of a three year old. He finished his breakfast, went to his room, and has not come out since. Well!………….. I have achieved another rung on my ladder of mastering psychology and pushed away further the son I long to mother. Tell me, does parenting ever get better than this? I'm not sure where all of this will lead in my battle for
open lines of communication with two of my children. I'm not sure if it will, or can, ever get better than this. But, we always have tomorrow. God somehow manages to continue filling me with what I need to go on.
All rights reserved, ã Kathryn Taylor
Copying without permission for non-personal use is forbidden
Gal 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering,
gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: ………..
KJV
