em~bella~ishment letter to:

                                

DEAR RAD MOM,

I am one of many moms nationally who provide support to families with children effected by Attachment Disorder. Our children have much in common; but over the years, I have found that we "moms" do, too. This common ground is our "emotions".  Most moms are shocked to learn others feel (or have felt) the same.

In my numerous observations and conversations, I’ve come to realize: Unless a mom can get past these damaging emotions (and misconceptions): the child has trouble healing, and other relationships are challenged.

So ........, from one mom to another, here goes.............................

SELF-BLAME: Many moms have the misconception that they should be able to solve their child’s problems (super-mom syndrome). The worst of all feelings! We are angels, not gods.

GUILT (on many levels) ........:

1) Without knowing any better; most of us have lost our tempers (or worse) with our RAD child

2) about how we often feel toward our child: (let’s face it -------- their disorder makes them hard to "like" let alone "love" sometimes)

3) that "we" let our family fall apart (the God thing again)

4) that we don’t spend enough quality time with our other children, our spouse, and, in taking care of ourselves

5) that we are having trouble forgiving our child for past behaviors ………….. BIG ONE!

6) that we are angry with God for this tremendous challenge

ANGER (or betrayal or feeling frustrated......)

1) at our HUSBANDS: for not believing us or noticing the child’s strange manipulations, for not understanding, for not supporting us emotionally, for countermining our new parenting techniques (usually by loosing their temper), for not being as committed in using the new parenting techniques or reading the materials, for "saving" the child when he/she didn’t need saved, for not helping us when we needed helped, for leaving it all to us

2) at the system or adoption agency: Cries for help went out for years - bad advise and blame were given in return

3) at our Attachment Disordered child: for doing this "to us" - we took it personally (saw the child "as" the disorder, instead of a child "with" an emotional disorder)

4) at family and friends: for saying things like, "All kids do that!" ….and not understanding what our life was like

5) at ourselves: for not being our "old self" or fun anymore

6) at God: Why me?

7) at everyone you have had to explain the disorder to and that you have had to explain it to so many.

DISTRUST of:

1) ourselves - our abilities (feeling un-empowered)

2) the system

3) helping professionals (We have been given so much "bad" advice; we question even "good" advice)

4) other supports

DESPAIR - LOSS OF HOPE: "Will it ever get better?" "Why read another book; nothing helps." "I’m tired."

ISOLATED & ALONE (no one understands and we "believe" we can’t get respite from our problem child)

VICTIMIZED & BLAMED

OVERWHELMED: Many moms suffer from Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

HELPLESS and/or FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD

In my own experience (and I know I speak for other moms as well); talking about and dealing with these feelings is helpful and necessary; both for you and your family. Your child’s therapist may be your best resource. Request a separate session, this is not for your child’s ears. I encourage therapists to initiate a session for this purpose.

Self Help:

1) A new book: (Note: the title is misleading; but the content is great, even if you had great parents!) The Whole Parent, How to become a terrific parent even if you didn’t have one; by Debra Wesselmann. She describes many COPING TECHNIQUES and step by step approaches to dealing with STRESS. She helps the reader identify parental misperceptions and how to challenge them. In addition, this book deals with: MANAGING TOUGH EMOTIONS, Creating a new wellspring of nurturing experiences for both you and your child, Forming healing connections, COPING WITH WHAT SEEMS LIKE TOO MUCH, Strengthening your relationship with your child, Parenting the more challenging child, How to strengthen your attachment with your child at any age, and more.

Living Life Joyfully,

~ Bella~

*"If we only have the will to walk, then God is pleased with our stumbles.

C.S. Lewis

*Sometimes, understanding their fears helps you to understand their actions,

as well as their pain.  Plus, understanding their fears sometimes helps you to understand your own.