Dear RAD Friends-
There seems to be a lot of discord lately among RAD moms on various groups and sites where I frequent, and it grieves me. We RAD moms hurt so terribly. We have suffered great rejection from our children and because of that, we receive even more rejection from friends, family, schools, therapists, etc. We find ourselves alienated from the world.
Many of us, in desperation, somehow find our way to this new-fangled thing called the internet. Then we find groups of other moms out there who are going through the very same things we are. We are filled with hope and joy. We eagerly soak up conversations, jump into relationships, and take all those lonely hours of tears and discouragement and plaster ourselves before these blasted screens to once again feel accepted and affirmed. Life is tolerable again. Then, low and behold, we begin to see each other's diversities. We have different personalities, family styles, techniques, theories, and beliefs. Some of our kids will heal, some won't. Some try to heal and some refuse. We form opinions about certain people, clash with others, and admire certain others, just like the real world. We get into clicks and gossip just as easily in this domain as the real world.
We all read and hear things that we have strong opinions about. We want to help each another, but we have to be extra careful in our arena. We need to treat each other as carefully as we would help a car accident victim into an ambulance. Should we overlook certain comments? Should we address something privately? Should we defend ourselves? Should we look at something from another perspective? Should we be quiet for a while and lick our wounds?
Personally speaking, I have said things I shouldn't have said, done things I shouldn't have done, tried things I shouldn't have tried, defended myself when I didn't need to, confronted when I could have overlooked, and many other wrongs. I've done these things with my children, my friends, my family and even with some of you. We all must do the best we can. I am guilty of using sarcasm and jokes to deal with my hurt. Sometimes my life with the kids feels like a chess game and I must win. But what else can we do sometimes but guard our queen? I have a competitive component in my personality. Because of it I sometimes find myself sacrificing a great deal to win a certain battle. Sometimes I say the right thing with the wrong tone of voice and facial expression. (well, more than sometimes)
For those of us who are christians, I always try to see what the Bible says about things to try and discern what is right and wrong. Was it "getting even" when God flooded the earth, cast Adam and Eve out of the garden, had Jonah swallowed by a great fish, allowed David and Bathsheba's baby to die, or allowed Job to be tested by Satan? Or do you have to look at the Bible in it's entirety to discern God's love for all of us? He sent His only Son to die for us, delivered His people from bondage, and gave us the gift of grace to deliver us from our sins, and promised us a place to spend eternity where there would be no more pain and no more tears. Sometimes it is very dangerous to pull a few circumstances out of thousands and label it apart from the rest. I think that happened to Jesus and they hung an innocent man. (not that any of us are totally innocent of mistakes in our parenting)
We are dealing with some pretty extreme behaviors and it is not always easy to determine appropriate responses. I have done and said many things I never, ever dreamed of having to have done or said. I'm left feeling guilty, angry, confused or disgusted. Is that because I handled it wrong or because of the extremity of the circumstances? Sometimes it is a hard call.
You are all awesome, brave, strong women (and men) I have learned so much by what you share, both the mistakes and the triumphs.
Kathryn Taylor
