By Kathryn Taylor

Dee was a tanned, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, adorable eight-year old girl.  She was the first "daughter" we parented during our foster care years.  We had three birth sons and had fostered four other boys.  So, I never really formulated in my motherly mind about issues like make-up, piercings, dating, etc. 

My first real battle with Dee was over her getting to paint her fingernails.  I told her she needed to be ten before she could paint them. (I know it sounds old fashioned, but I really have a pet peeve with little girls acting and looking far older than their age)  Needless to say, she did not care for this rule.

At the time, she and her twin brother were having occasional visits with their older birth-sisters.  Her sisters very much agreed with, and egged on her dissatisfaction.  They would give her bottles of nail polish and she would sneak them home and hide them.  It was kind of silly because she could not wear it anyway; I would have noticed.  But, it seemed to satisfy her need to defy my rule.

A year later we began adoption proceedings for her and her twin brother, Jay.  Dee was still fighting the injustice of the nail polish ban……………..

Dee and Jay soon turned ten.  Her birthday celebration brought with it gifts of nail polish galore.  She was so happy.  She and her friends painted their nails proudly. The battle was over and I was relieved. 

Less than a year had gone by.  The kids and I were sitting outside on a warm summer day.  I noticed Jay’s hands. His nails were bit down to the nubs.  He had bitten his fingernails for as long as we had known him.  Looking him in the eyes, I asked, "Why do you bite your fingernails?"  (I know! dumb question!)

"I don't know," he says.

"Then, why don't you quit?" I asked.

"OK, I will," he says; and he did!!

He never bit his fingernails again.  But, the very day he quit was the day Dee started.  She had never bitten her fingernails before.  After two long years of waiting to paint her nails, she turns around and chooses to start biting her fingernails.  Go figure!!  She took up nail-biting with a vengeance.  We spent the next four years doing all we could to dissuade her from her new hobby.  The more we tried to deter the behavior, the lower she chewed her nails.  She chewed them until they bled.  We tried rewarding, positive

reinforcement, threats, ignoring, and consequences, all to no avail.  We finally stuck with ignoring it, yet she continues………….

…………………..Our life is very different now, than when we first adopted the twins.  We moved from a neighborhood to the country.  The twins have gone from having chores to having absolutely no chores or responsibilities; it was that or lose my sanity.  We live on a farm and the workload is much higher than many households.  We pull together as a family and share the load everyday while the twins stand around watching.  Needless to say, my hands are worn, callused, and my fingernails are short from constant breakage.  Recently, I made some comments to a couple of friends about how pretty my nails were when I had broken my ankle and was bedridden for some time, three years previous.  It was the only time in my life that I can remember having them.  It had been fun while it lasted.  Now, no matter how I tried to keep my nails nice, they broke and got dirty because of my workload on the farm.

Dee also took note of the comments I made to my friends. Clear out of the blue, Dee quit biting her nails.  Very soon afterwards, I noticed she had these long pretty fingernails. She admitted to me that she grew them out of spite to the comments I had made.  I thought this should not go unchallenged because of her attitude and her indifference to not helping with family chores.  So, I insisted she keep them short.  Generally, she would, but on occasion she would test me and let them grow long again.  When noticed, I would have her bite them off again. 

The last time she let them get long was on my recent visit back home to my parent’s house. (It was the first time I had gone home in seven and a half years. I do not think I need to explain to parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder how hard it is to deal with family regarding our difficult children.  Like our RAD kids, rejection from our birth families is the most painful of all rejection.  So, I had avoided it for years. CO to VA)  I decided not to let her fingernails go unchallenged against my better judgment.  I quietly told her to take care of it.  She, of course, opted to make it a battle for all to behold.  It was not going to go unnoticed by my family.  While driving home from church, my step-dad asked what was going on.  I told him.  He asked why it was such a big deal if she had long nails.  I told him the whole long tale that I have just shared with you.  He still did not get it and said so.......... right in front of Dee.  Yep, she won.  I still stood my ground and she chewed them off......... but she still won.

During this trip, my step-dad had many conversations with the twins, trying to figure out why they were doing some of the things they were doing.  At times, he even got angry with them.  He could not understand why two fifteen year olds would do some of the things that they did, but did not care.  All in all, I am glad they heard the same old speeches from one more person who cared.

The day after the fingernail incident I told my daughter, "Dee, I've thought about what Grandpa said about your fingernails and have decided he is right.  We all know why you do what you do, and it really shouldn't matter to me.  So, I've decided, in honor of Grandpa, I'm going to let you grow your nails out as long as you want.  And every time you look at your beautiful fingernails I want you to remember this trip and everything that Grandpa has said to you while we were here."

    "And you must keep them pretty and clean," chimes in my mother.

UGH!!!!!!

"Oh, no Dee," I quickly responded. "We both know that Grandma does not understand how things work.  You can have your nails as dirty and gross as you want…… Or keep them clean; it doesn't matter to me."

(Later, mom said to me privately, "Sorry, I knew right when I said it, it was the wrong thing to say.  I'm so used to responding like you would to a normal kid.")

On the way home from our trip, I noticed Cindy chewing her nails passionately our whole last day of driving.  I said nothing.  The saga continues………..

How do such minute things get blown up into such battles?  My step-dad is right; what is the big deal anyway?  Yet we all know with RAD, it means so much more when it comes to power and control.  What do we ignore?  What do we fight?

How long do we overlook?  How long do we stand our ground? Only God knows…………

Heavenly Father,

There are so many things beyond our knowledge, so many things that are gray areas.  Give us divine wisdom as we parent our children.  Give us the words to say, the actions to take, the silence to allow when needed.  Send those across our path, both professional and the learned, that we need to encourage us and help us channel our children in the right direction.  Help us to rely on You and weigh all that we receive against Your word.  So many things may seem right

or logical which are contrary to Your Word.  Yet, there are so many things that may not seem the right thing to do that is in accordance to Your word.  Thank you for Your word and Your great love for each of us.  Thank You for Your Son who intercedes for us daily.

In Jesus' name, Amen

The Fingernails War