The Healing Path

By Kathryn Taylor

Sometimes in desperation
I grasp for anything
That comes across my path
To ease my suffering...
I just long for things to change~
I don’t care if right or wrong~
I can’t stand where I am at~
I can’t stand to not belong...
I convince myself I’m right
And believe that it’s OK,
Trudging down unknown paths
Just to get my way...
I surround myself with others
Who agree with what I do,
Squelching that still small voice,
Blinding me from the truth...
Further and further I stray,
‘til nothing’s familiar around~
I know I’ve become so lost
That I may never be found...
I should have just stayed home
And clung to the cross of grace-
I should have trusted my savior
‘Stead of running from the race~
I should have embraced His Word...
I should have felt the pain...
I should have stayed in the fire
And waited for the rain...
But, instead I must fight the fight,
As well as find a way home,
I now carry twice the burden
And will harvest the seeds sown...
The world has so much to offer
With answers too good to be true
But, often they lead us astray
With nothing to hang on to...
So, when you find yourself in peril,
It may not be meant to be
A quick and easy out,
Or a path that you can see...
For me, I should have listened
To the truth that never fails,
Instead of the world’s solutions,
Which in comparison... pales-

All rights reserved, ã Kathryn Taylor
Copying without permission for non-personal use is forbidden

After finding out about my husband's affair after 22 years of marriage, trying to make it work for a year, all while dealing with twin teenage severe RAD life, I found myself severely depressed and angry at God. A letter to my children who think I abandoned them:

My dear children, 
Believe it or not... I wrote this poem many months before I ever left home. I found this poem on the internet on an old message board I had. The date I uploaded it was months before my leaving. I remember writing it, but didn’t have a hard copy of it. When I read it... it sent chills up my spine. I never plotted or planned on leaving. I truly was just going to Michigan for a week or two to try and figure out how to make things work with your dad. There had to be change... boundaries... accountability. Even though nothing was premeditated, it seemed something deep inside me knew that I couldn’t take anymore hurt and pain and rejection at home and I was going to run...

Alcohol and rebellion blinded me from 35 years of walking with the Lord. Please, never forget how quickly it snatched your mother away from you. What are you willing to give up to follow those footsteps? Only one among you kept the ways of the Lord. But, he was also the only one of you who was walking with the Lord before I left. Though he went through the same things you did when I left, he did not turn to sin, alcohol, rebellion, unforgiveness and sex to deal with his pain. Were the rest of you living with those things in your life before I even left? Were you already in rebellion to what I have spent my life trying to teach you already? Do you remember the day I made us all sit down and watch the movie "A Walk to Remember"? Do you remember me telling you my hope and prayer would be that you would find a partner who drew you to God and instead of one that would pull you away, or cause you to struggle alone in your faith?  

My children, life is not about finding a way to avoid the pain. Life is not about trashing our lives because of what others have done to us, or that we are angry that unfair things have happened. Life is about our eternity, heaven or hell. There is nothing we will face on this earth that will compare to the pain of being eternally separated from God. You may be angry that your parents messed up so badly towards the end of your childhood. You may be angry that your birth-parents gave up on you, as toddlers or teenagers. But, everyone has a story. Everyone has been rejected, let down, falsely accused, cheated on, sinned against... Christ more than any. My children were born with perfect bodies, my children are good looking and healthy, my children were taught the ways of God, my children were protected from the world, had food, and shelter, vacations, love, extended family...

Twins, what would life have been like if you had accepted what God had done for you?? You could have had a loving family, AND a relationship with your birth~family all these years. You would have had so many people to love and care for you all those years. What did we have instead?? What did your hate, anger, unforgiveness, and rebellion cause? I know that each one of you are smart. I know that each one of my children have the tools and answers to how life is to be lived, through both what I've taught you, as well as through my mistakes. 

I know beyond a shadow of doubt, my rebellion should have led to destruction. I believe it did not because of God's unfailing love. I believe that God has a purpose for me and what I have to say. He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it. I am His and He is mine. My roots ran deep and God's mercy, the tap root, saved my life. Are your roots strong? Will you survive where your rebellion is taking you? Is God using someone in your life to draw you back to Himself or will you be lost forever, dying as the plant along the pathway?

I love and miss you so much,

 Mark 5:15-20
And these are they by the way side, where the word is sown; but when they have heard, Satan cometh immediately, and taketh away the word that was sown in their hearts. And these are they likewise which are sown on stony ground; who when they have heard the word, immediately receive it with gladness; And have no root in themselves, and so endure but for a time afterward, when affliction or persecution ariseth for the word's sake, immediately they are offended. And these are they which are sown among thorns; such as hear the word. And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful. And these are they which are sown on good ground; such as hear the word , and receive it, and bring forth fruit, some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some a hundred. 
 Which one are you?

I love and miss each one of you terribly. Thank you, middle son, for being such a godly example to your siblings proving only God can deliver you from the pains of this world. And, God bless your wife. And hug my precious grandboy.
love, Mom

When you are in so much pain, you lose sight of what is right and true... it hurts the ones you love...
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