Wisdom From the Frontlines....Feelings, Behaviors, and Parenting Issues

In response to...."What do you do to channel negative energy and behaviors, following a period of being good..."

.........."We've tried a mini-trampoline when behavior begins to escalate and we call it 'jumping-it-out'.  We've tried 'stomping-it-out', which is just marching with heavy feet (usually on the front porch)..... We've punched pillows, yelled at a tree or a rock of choice, in the yard.  We've scribbled on big paper with big crayons to loud music and gradually turned the volume down as we calmed down.  We've ran laps around the yard.  We've taken a bubble bath with the lights dimmed.  We have a big bag of rice that we push our angry hands into and play in until our hands are calmer.  We bash Play-doh with our fists on the table.  We pop bubble wrap, either with our hands or we lay it out on the floor and pop it with our feet.  You can roll on it too, and pop it with your body. Wal-mart sells it in big rolls.  We put a few drops of essential oil on the palms of our hands, rub our hands together and then cover our noses and breathe deeply. 

I usually try and do whatever it is that we're trying to calm down with the angry person, at the same time as they are doing it (not so much the yelling at the rock or tree in the yard though, that might look a bit odd, i just sit on the porch for that one  :)  ....and anyone else who wants to join in can, too.  Anger is an equal opportunity emotion in our home.  ha ha.  We have learned to honor it.  We deal with the feelings that evoked the anger/outburst usually one-on-one, and much later when everyone is calm again, sometimes, not until the next day or even longer.

We've done lots of reading too, to help our guys understand the feelings that they are having and there are many books out there that help with that, as I am sure you know.  We went all the way back to the very simple baby board books that you might look at with a child around the age of one year and gradually worked our way up.

.......We've given appropriate words and phrases that can be used like, "I feel angry because....",  "I feel red hot angry because...."....... we even had "angry dots" on our fridge for a while, that an angry child could move from green to yellow to orange to red to let me know how they were feeling before they could find the words to tell me.  Finding the middle ground between calm and angry is the tricky part.  As you know, children like ours can and will go from zero to sixty in a second.

I've also modeled being angry about things too and used my words and my behaviors to show how I deal with anger.  I'm usually very quiet about things that upset me and I'm not an angry person, so this was something I had to learn how to do.   An example might be, that instead of just sighing and throwing the scarf that the dog chewed up away....... when I discovered it on the floor I have drawn attention to the situation by saying, "Oh no, look what violet did to my very favorite scarf in the whole world!!!....I feel angry that she did this to my scarf. I am sad too, because now I will not be able to wear my favorite scarf again." Having my guys see me deal with my feelings has been a great way for them to figure out what is and what is not appropriate. i've asked them too, what I should do when i'm angry to feel better..... They can come up with lots of ideas now that they couldn't, would never have thought of before.

hope this helps"...............

sarah

…………… “When I began parenting my two adopted children three years ago, I immediately went into overdrive with the thought that the more work I put in, the quicker the healing process would be.  The quicker the healing, the sooner the horrible behavior would stop. :)   Ha! Ha!...I know!...That sounds funny now, looking back, but at the time it was like I was at war with this whole attachment thing.  I frantically grabbed every behavioral choice my guys made as an opportunity for me to teach a new and better behavior choice.  This led to hour after hour of me listening to them explain why they had done something that they knew was wrong, and what the reason was behind that decision.  Then, we'd brain storm together and come up with solutions.  I was beyond exhausted, and while they reveled in the attention, the behaviors were not getting any better despite my best whole hearted efforts.  Maybe now, looking back, it was their way of controlling me at that time.  So, I learned, that for my guys, my approach wasn't really working.  Not that it wouldn't work for other children, just not mine.  I also had three other young children to take care of and so I had to figure out a way to meet the needs of all.  So, I'm more relaxed now.  I read somewhere that attachment is a process and not an event.  I realized that while I had been pushing so very hard for the event, I had probably been getting in the way of the natural process of attachment. Darn it!  ………….. Remember that time is on your side.  The little things that you do are equally as important as the big things.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  I know I'm repeating myself here, but....attachment is a process not an event.  Every day that they wake up safe with you, and you feed them, and dress them, and smile at them, they are attaching a tiny little bit more.  Every little thing that you do is like money in the attachment banks in their brains"………

love always,

Sarah

Links to dealing with parenting your child.....

How to Deal with Your Child and Yourself.......eHow on family crisis

The Nine Stages of Grief in Parents....ADSG Home

You Are Not Alone, Dear RAD Mom......attach. disorder site

Tips & Warnings:

~Research on RAD and ways to not trigger bad emotions. 

~Research on Reverse Psychology, this is very helpful when working with these types of children.

~Learn what is most important to that child and help keep it sacred to them. (sometimes what is not as important to us, may be extremely important to a child).

~Always listen when they are ready to open up with their feelings, they may open up when you least expect it..

~Have your respite care person, be just as knowledged as you are, these children are very manipulative and controlling. If they succeed with control on just one person, they could have a setback..

~No matter how destructive they get, physically out of control. Love that child. Let them know its ok, that you are there for them..

~Always be careful when your RAD child is around other children or adults. They can sometimes be a harm to someone else or themselves..

~Watch them closely around animals. They feel they were hurt and everyone should hurt and feel the same pain they felt. We have to convince them otherwise..

~If your child has been sexually assualted, they have difficulty understanding they are a victim. They can stay a victim or become a predator as well. Be prepared to protect others from this..

~They love attention, especially negative attention. Be prepared to identify yourself to authorities and explain the disorder..

~Make sure if your child is in school. All school staff should be aware of your childs disorder.

em~bella~ishement on reward systems for our kids.....

....."Reward systems do NOT work unless there are specific guidelines.  What I do with my most destructive, reactive son is this:

I picked the 4 things this week that I want him NOT to do. They were:

Stealing, Urinating. Angry outbursts. Destructruction.

OK. I made a chart....every 30 minutes, if he does NOT do those things, I give him 5 minutes in that square. If he DOES do one or more of those things, he doesnt

lose anything, he just doesn't gain anything. He gets a zero.

At the end of the day..his 30 minute time frames (if he has a perfect day) equals

30 minutes. In a perfect world, he may have 30 minutes of Wii before bed, or

computer or TV or fooseball. He almost always picks computer games.  He gets that many minutes. Some days its 5 minutes, other days its 25 minutes!

but you are controlling small pieces of time and then resetting their clock for a fresh beginning.

Also, RAD kids know how to look good on paper. They will choose to control their actions to get the prize without actually learning a darn thing! And the more "RULES" you impose on them, they only see them as challenges to overcome. They just become sneakier. I would rather , for instance, leave cookies out

in the open & have my son take them, then have him pick the lock on the basement door or rummage thru every drawer looking for the key to get into the basement where there are cookies!!

The chart I mentioned raises their self esteem. They can see themselves doing well. And soon it becomes a habit to NOT

steal or urinate or destroy. Then we replace , lets say DESTROY with Hoard food, and then work on that.  One  step at a time.  With older children, you can use cell phone usage, dates, & $$ as incentives.

With much more destructive kids, lessen the time frame to every 20 min. - five them 4 min, or 3.  When you see them responding and choosing good behaviors, make it every 30 min...every 45 min...but still give them 30min

at the end of the day.  It is the perfect down time for them.

The hardest part about this is YOUR heart. Your child WILL respond & heal. You, on the other hand, will resent this bitterly.  It will seem like they are being rewarding for bad behavior. Listen, even if they are fresh, throw their food, lying, and hitting their brother, if those things are NOT on the chart, they get the points. You will have to trust the system. One break through at a time.  We, as moms & dads, we "know" our children, what they will & will not do. Don't pre-judge. You will be suprised at how light this will make their hearts. How much esteem they'll gain, and how guilt will not follow them around like Zigggy's black Cloud!  In turn, your child will respond. Just give it time & dont begrudge them this 30 minutes of EARNED time. Work on yourself while they work on themselves. It is still my hardest lesson, when my son brings my wallet to school and gives away our grocery money  then hits his sister & hurts the dog! Yet, ya know...he lived within the letter of the law!

He still gets rewarded! Argh! So I have 30 minutes to myself to read or sew or vege or spend time with my daughter. YAY!

Win-win!

Try it! You'll like it!

Bella

A mom writes...........

....."First, I take deep breaths, about 10. Then, I tell her that I can see that she doesn't want to go to her room, so she will need to come and sit close to me, usually within 2 feet. (The calmer you can stay, the calmer she will get.) When my daughter is like this, it is so hard not to be angry or frustrated or just plain normal. But I know it will not help her to get better. Yes, there are times I have carried her into her room. Then I stay with her. Her mind is unable to process the emotions and having an adult around who can be calm, will really rub off onto her and she will calm down. If I can't do it without anger or frustration, it will not work.

Then I totally ignore her verbal barage and start my own discourse. Calmly, I tell her that I love her and that I can see she might be mad or upset and I just sit and wait..... Sometimes I pray..... Sometimes I stare into space, but I just wait. It used to take my daughter 45 minutes to calm down, now it can happen most of the time in about 10 minutes. This work is not easy. I do not do it correctly all the time because I am too upset by her actions or words, but I know she is getting the positive more than the negative and that has to help. I hope.

These moments are so hard. These behaviors are so hard."

SB