Wounded Father/ Daughter Relationships

Weaknesses in father's character can cause lasting affects in adult daughter's relationships... Fathers who struggle with being harsh... distant... spoiling...   pushover... gone (emotionally, physically or both)

The HARSH (cold, hard, strict) father contributes traits in his daughter that make her:

trouble with addictions
trouble with promiscuity
eating disorders
struggle with rejection
fights depression
struggle with shame
needs extra attention
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The DISTANT (passive, uninvolved, quiet) or The SPOILING (no limits, discipline, authority) father contributes traits in his daughter that make her:

little to no boundaries
poor relationships
thrill seeker
rebels against order
mixes fantasy and reality

The PUSHOVER (unsuccessful, addict,poor communicator) father contributes traits in his daughter that make her:

poor decision maker
poor finance handling
strong willed
puts partner in father role
poor coping skills

The GONE (emotionally and/or physically unavailable, workaholic, divorce, sickness, death or abandonement) father contributes traits in his daughter that make her:
low self~esteem
hides from self or others
hard to access
demands attention
not listen to facts or reason
high expectations
may sabbotage relationships or be the one to leave

Contributions a father makes to his daughter's life teaches her what to expect from men in the future... What is never given to her teaches her what not to expect... Mother's love is unconditional, but a father's love is usually based on performance.  A husband can never resolve a woman's "father wounds".  It must be done in therapy or trusted non~sexual relationship.  A daughter will try and make up for her childhood in marriage.   
Daddy’s Girl

By Kathryn Taylor

His special little girl,
Innocent, sweet and mild…
Whose love was unconditional-
I was that small child…
I didn’t stomp my feet
Or demand more of his time,
I just loved him regardless…
Why was that a crime??
I fell into a role…
It was waiting just for me…
The danger that it held
Was invisible to see…
Affection was pretty scarce
As I grew into a lady,
He distanced himself each day
As though his love was fading….
Why did he go away?
What is it that I did?
Why is he so uncomfortable
With me than that young kid???
Sometimes, I wish I could
Climb back into his lap,
And tell him that I loved him
And he would say it back…
But, now it’s over the phone
With a thousand miles in between,
A father and a daughter…
the future remains unseen…

1993 All rights reserved, ã Kathryn Taylor
Copying without permission for non-personal use is forbidden

I wrote this poem nearly 20 years ago, back when I was half way across the country raising my own kids. 

 Currently, I live with my dad for the first time since he left my mom when I was 12… Both of us have gone through divorces these past 2 years… I manage his 9 bedroom home and work for his company, so we spend a great deal of time together. So much has evolved in our adult relationship, so much reconciled, so much processed from a mature perspective… After going through the healing process from divorce… dating again… getting to know myself as never before… learning to love who I am… finding myself…..etc, I have realized so much about myself and my other relationships. As I read back through what I’ve written so long ago, I’m amazed about how much it reveals about who I am today… based upon my relationship with my father while growing up. From all I’ve lived and read, it is so true… how our male/female relationships as adults stem from our childhood relationships with our opposite sexed parental relationships….

My father was a successful business man. He was emotionally distant. But, he also was the one who wanted to go places, do things, take us on long vacations, keep us in touch with all the relatives. He is a very generous man and quite forgiving. As I matured and headed into adolescence, it seemed my dad distanced himself from me more and more….like he didn’t know how to treat me. Looking back, I think his distancing himself was more about his and my mother’s relationship falling apart, not a dislike of me. But, back then it seemed personal. Today, I find myself being “Peter Pan” like…. Refusing to grow up, wanting to stay young…. Maybe, subconsciously afraid of being rejected if I act mature, stoic, serious… feeling like I couldn’t ask for my needs to be met for fear of rejection…like I was the one who had to always compromise….give in…. 
BUT…..these last few years have shown me so much at an adult level…..I’ve learned what’s his…….his flaws….his shortcomings….that have nothing to do with me… I’ve also learned what my insecurities are…what I need to change…to mature in….how to stand up for myself when I need to…I have stood up to my dad so many times in these last few years……respectfully telling him how I feel about certain things that have arisen in our relationship. I can’t tell you how many times he has apologized for how he’s treated me, saying it had nothing to do with me…….and it didn’t!! …To be able to differentiate what are his and which are my issues has matured me considerably …….That is true for any relationship, to be able to accept what is yours and what is theirs. It’s important to do our own work. It’s important to not take on someone else’s stuff.  
 I love feeling young and full of life….Most often I am looking at the bright side of life……always ready to forgive………to love…..and to live…..
I don’t believe in blaming and making excuses for one’s behavior, but there is so much to learn by analyzing and assessing the past, present and future of our relationships……